Mariah Carey's Hallmark movie A Christmas Melody might be the most entertaining thing you watch all year. Yes, you read that sentence correctly. And we're 100 percent serious. MiMi's two-hour holiday romp - her directorial debut which she also stars in - aired on the Hallmark Channel Saturday night, and it is everything you could want in a Mariah Carey Christmas movie. Make no mistake, though: The film is a technical embarrassment - cheesy acting, obvious (but snatched) Folgers coffee promo and dialogue so terrible it's laughable. However, that doesn't make the film any less iconic. In fact, it makes the movie even more of a masterpiece.
The story is simple: Kristen Frank (Lacey Chabert a.k.a. Gretchen Weiners) moves back to her snowy hometown after her fashion career in Los Angeles collapses. She decides to throw all her effort into being a mom, joining the PTA at her daughter Emily's (Fina Strazza) school. That's where she comes face to face with her old high school rival-turned-PTA-queen-bee Melissa (Mariah Carey). With a high-stakes Christmas pageant just days away, Kristen and Melissa wage a battle of the moms to win most valuable parent - and things get ugly.
And by ugly, we mean biznitchy - mostly in the form of campy, fantastic one-liners from Ms. Carey. This and this alone is the reason why Mariah's movie is the s--t we love. It is no secret Lady Carey is the ultimate Mean Girls fan, and the Melissa role gives her ample opportunity to let her Regina George fly. As director, Mariah also makes a warm, glowy light shine around her every time she's on screen - like Regina meets Jesus. The Shade Queen Messiah has arrived, folks, and we're definitely not worthy. Here are a few lines that are particularly biting and life-giving.
"Oh that's right, I did," said in reference to her winning Most Likely to Succeed in high school.
"Yes, our new single mom would like to volunteer," a jab to Christmas Gretchen Weiners
"I didn't spend all this money on dance lessons for you to fade into the scenery," said to Mariah's actual child.
"I'm sure we can... talk about it and... think of something," said after the school principal suggests making Kristen a part of the PTA permanently.
Seriously, just look at her face. Look at it.
It is a travesty - a travesty, we tell you! - if MiMi doesn't sweep up all the Emmys, Golden Globes and Screen Actors Guild Awards for her turn as Santa Regina George. Yup, we said it - and we don't regret it one bit.
As stated earlier, A Christmas Melody also proudly features Gretchen Weiners in her most "legendary" role since Mean Girls. As the fashion designer-turned waitress, Lacey does the best she can with the clunky, oftentimes overstated dialogue. But Lacey's likability lights up the screen, and she certainly holds her own when matched against Mariah's literal halo. Oh! And she manages to snag ACM DILF du jour Danny Collier (Brennan Elliott) - albeit after a rocky plot point when she almost goes back to L.A. to revive her fashion career. Slay that music teacher, Gretchen. You look so good.
Other highlights from the movie? Kristen's daughter Emily incorrectly lip-syncing "Oh Santa" during her pageant solo, Kathy Najimy coming through as the bomb-ass aunt Sarah and Melissa mimicking her daughter's pageant dance moves like Mrs. George. Praise.
Sure, the film has an abrupt, saccharine ending, but that doesn't make the journey to it any less fun to watch. In terms of Mariah Carey shade, A Christmas Melody is Oscar-worthy. It's just the so-bad-it's-good trainwreck slosh you need to liven up your It's a Wonderful Life coma.
(VH1)
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