It's November 1st and you know what that means? Time to start blasting Mariah Carey's Christmas album all day every day for the next two months. What's that? It's too soon? We're still eating Halloween candy. What about Thanksgiving though?
I'm sorry. I can't hear you over the glorious sound of whistle tones and jingle bells! Halloween is a distant memory of 12 hours ago. We were all so young and innocent then. But now it's time to put away that Sexy Barb from Stranger Things costume and throw on that sexy Santa's elf everyday wear.
Because nothing communicates the reason for the season better than a high-glam, fur-fringed ensemble that completely ignores the realities of winter temperatures in half of the world. Climate change be damned! It's Christmas time (in, like 60 days).
Nothing will endear to you co-workers like cranking up your computer stereo and blasting Mariah's "Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town" starting today and not ending until around January 12th. They may protest with their voices but look in their eyes. Next to the deep-seated contempt, you'll see the wonder of Christmas!
No one can resist the holidays! Especially when the holidays are heralded by the elusive chanteuse herself. Everything Mariah touches turns to gold. Of course if you're Mariah you immediately throw that gold in the trash because we're only doing diamonds this year and what are you, a monster? Then you dig the gold out of the trash, muttering "maybe we can give this to someone in need. Like Jennifer Lopez."
Mariah Carey's Merry Christmas is not only one of the best-selling holiday albums of all time, but also it's one of the most timeless. Which is why you should start playing it immediately. We are hours into November; you are late! The spirit of premature holiday celebration does not like to be kept waiting.
MC is always the first harbinger of the holiday season. It's like the pumpkin spice latte of music. And like the PSL it's arrival has less and less to do with the actual time of year. To be honest, this year I started playing MC during an unseasonably chilly week in July.
Me: Ooh. It's cold in here. *whispers* Must be some Toros in the atmosphere. *high-fives self* Anyway, time to delete every other album and play "All I Want For Christmas parentheses is you closed parentheses".
My husband: Who are you talking to in there?
I hear you. What about holiday albums? Listen: I don't make the rules. This is Mariah's time. This is a little moment of tinsel and bubbles. Just a twinkling moment of non-denominational cheer.
By the way, "a retro moment of gypsy whatever" is exactly how I described the theme of my wedding the first time I met with the coordinator. "Picture Stevie Nicks at a fundraiser for a struggling non-profit. Okay, you have that image? Now throw it away. Now pick it up again. And wrap it around your shoulders. That's what we're going for. Can you do that?"
And like Stevie Nicks, holiday tunes are coming in like a landslide. And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills, you'll probably notice that I'm wearing a fur-lined negligee and a joyful expression because it's Christmas time (not really at all, actually) and it's time to play Mariah Carey non-stop (always forever)!
(Elle)
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